Friday, February 18, 2011
Mucking About On Mars
They say that this planet is all about war. I would completely disagree. Mars is all about survival. Survival in the extreme, survival of not just your soft flesh, but your mind, and your sanity. Oh sure, were it not for the First Interplanetary War we wouldn't be here now, but that conflict was between the Chinese held Glorious Lunar Settlement, and everybody they could drop a few rocks on. Including my beloved US of A. But, we're not here to debate history nor politics, no sirree. This particular tour guide is just happy to be able to take you on a small journey thru my part of the planet.
I know you all have signed the If I Die I Won't Sue This Stupid Tour Group Form, which I really don't give a plug nickle for, but even here we just have to have lawyers, don't we? What's that you ask? Well, it's true enough that until what was left of the United Nations granted us our sovereignty, we didn't need any damn attorneys, if you'll pardon my saying so.
Right then, if you all will step this way, you've been cleared for your first walk on the Red Planet. Which you will see is not really red, but then what can you expect from a bunch of nincompoops a few million miles away? Oh, oops, I meant highly respected dead guys that were persecuted and tortured by the Church. Oh whatever, everybody into the Cargo Resultant Atmosphere Pressurization of Personnel Routine, or what we fondly refer to as the CRAPPeR. Just a little joke there folks, step right in and please have a seat in the buggy. Once the techs have secured your safety straps, the obligatory Safety Video will display on your individual monitors and the sound will come thru your helmet. If you're looking for a barf bag... well let's just say that I seriously doubt that you will really want to vomit in this comet, since you'll be wearing it for the next two hours or so inside your helmet. Ewwww.
Now that we've been toddling along for a good few miles, I think it's about time we all got out, and stretched our legs a bit. But before you even think about moving, I release the safety straps from up here in what passes for a cockpit, and then each of your seats will swivel to face outside, at which time you will notice a rather wide running board to step down upon. Our two techs will be there for anyone who needs a hand in getting your feet under you, so don't feel bashful. And yes, I have fallen quite a few times, and not all of them due to Brown Bottle Swallow, if ya know what I mean. but if you slip, don't worry, you really won't crack your helmet or tear your suit. Cause if you did why then you'd look like a fountain of watermelon jetting up thru the cracks, ha! Oh, um, never mind.